My Problem w/ the Church

dilemnaMost churches per square mile and yet one of the most violent. Domestic violence being one of the # 1 killers locally. Can the church and all these advocates get real. I mean, telling a sister who confides in you about her abusive relationship at home, a child telling you their parents are beating the shit out of them, some cant afford to go to school, many only eat once or twice per day and Lord some folks can’t even read the bible for themselves! “Keep holding on sister/brother” ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ‘€
It is high time we stop all this non-sense. Collecting tithes and offering and having fundraisers for church BUILDING fund! Hehe Building a fucking mansion to worship in while all the worshippers struggle to survive in the real world. Some don’t even live in a hurricane proof structure!! ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ Now how do you anticipate their spiritual life will be dear church leader?? We are a whole person, all parts of our being must be nurtured for there to be balance.
When people come to y’all with practical problems you draw for scriptures about persecution, and how we should accept tribulations!! Dwl! Hehe I swear y’all got nerves! The same leaders who live in two mansions, and take shopping trips to Miami and your kids can eat from 5 fast food chains per day. Hey, you worked for it so by all means, but why not preach this same abundance to the church??? Why encourage people to settle for mediocre lifestyles?? and staying in some fucked up circumstances “Oh sister, pray the Lord will deliver you!” ummm so where do you mister leader come in in this deliverance process! You forget James 2 said “Faith without work is dead” What about teaching some practical things about how they could elevate themselves?? —–>> seriously I can’t understand how Christianity locally is any different from what the Spanish and English brought here many years ago. This mental enslavement needs to stop. I can’t imagine that this was Christ’s grand idea. But then again, who am I to talk right? I’m just a ‘backslider.’

What I’ve accepted :

1. Church is an excellent distraction from the realities of poverty. It keeps people’s hands and minds occupied.ย Church is a very serious part of the social fibre of Jamaica so there is always a bunch of things to be involved in.
2. It’s easier to have something that you dare not question. The rules are set and even if they seem impossible it’s so much easier to no have to think about how you should go about life.
3. The answer is always –> “God does not give us more than we can bare. Keep holding on my brother.” Onto what sir? “Hold on to Jesus, he will see you through” ๐Ÿ˜•
4. Religion is indeed the opium of the people. I love it myself! It’s beautiful to rely on a higher power who has all the answers and can fix all your problems. Whenever you are all alone you can turn to Jesus. Prayer is an absolutely beautiful thing, it puts the mind at ease.

5. To each his own. There is no debate when it comes to beliefs really. We should all feel free to hold our own beliefs and not feel threatened or attacked if we have differing beliefs. Let’s just agree to disagree. You do it your way and I will do to my way.

6. Many Christians will never accept that they are Christians just because they were socialized to be. But they are always ready to ‘jump down a Muslim’s/Hindu’s throat’ ย (Jamaican expression which means to verbal attack someone) about how ridiculous they are to actually believe what they believe. And let’s not get started on the Rastas who believe their God is a normal man like you and I. Lol. Christians will point their fingers and laugh you to scorn with that one.
7. Do not say these things to a Pentecostal ๐Ÿ˜‚ They will rebuke the demons out of you! Seriously, it’s quite a surreal ordeal and they are very serious about it. No, this is not a joke. They are very defensive and have a special connection to the spiritual realm and God. After I left the church, it was even prophesied by one of the ‘elders’ that I would die the next time I had a block out from my panic attacks ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜’

Love

Like all things this is multidimensional. As in, there is no one way to discuss love. There is no global definition of this force. But I believe we all have an idea of what this is and what it may feel like.

Personally, I can say I feel it in every second I take to admire life; the random woman on the street, the pigeon at the waterfront, the neighbour’s kids, that starring baby, the old man looking out the bus window perhaps dreaming of many moons past… There is just so much positive energy to absorb from life as it unfolds around us that no matter what, we can always find something to be grateful for and superbly happy about.

Think about a time when you were famished and you caught the smell of something simmering close by. For me, I stop, close my eyes, turn my nose in the direction of the ย wind, inhale deeply and thank the heavens for my ability to smell and taste and feel excited. The first bite. Lord, now that’s where heaven actually is, right?

๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ like sex, it should be ย a slow waltz, “easy like Sundeh mawnin”. Whenever I have firsts, this is my reaction, I close my eyes and feel it and mentally capture all that is happening around, inside and outside me in this very moment. It’s always breathtaking. Always.

That joy cannot be replaced by any other. So, I have many happy moments to reflect on you see, many captured moments that I can relive just by closing my eyes, tilting my head back, extending my neck and filling my lungs with air.

Man, that’s love for me.

I absolutely enjoy giving and receiving pedicures. It’s a humbling and fulfilling experience. lol. I know I’m crazy, but just being able to do that for someone who appreciates it makes me super happy. It’s a quiet conversation kinda moment.

There is joy in giving as there is in receiving gifts! I get so animated, and thrilled about the whole process. It’s almost never the gift itself really. I’m crafty, I like creating and making stuff and I love pictures and words and art in every sense of the word. I like to ponder about what is the best thing to do give or do for so and so… That’s an easy high. Adrenaline courses through my veins as I create and anticipate their reactions. Ha! #Forever 5 remember. Naw, weed comes close but it doesn’t do that. I mean weed is a reflective kinda effect you know, but

thinking about future stuff is way more exciting as you get to create, imagine what it might be like and let that imagination run wild. It’s the most liberating feeing as their are no boundaries, no limits; the possibilities are infinite.ย 

Love is that feeling you get when you know it’s almost his lunch hour and you are anticipating hearing his voice

It’s that feeling you get when you see and old woman smile

It’s watching the sunrise and seeing how the world around you wakes up with it

It’s watching the sunset knowing you had a great day

It’s watching the stars and pondering about the galaxies, and all the other people across the globe looking at the same moon that you are looking at.

It’s singing and dancing with your mom and siblings

It’s swiping your card and not worrying about if it’s gonna be declined

It’s holding a baby’s hand as he takes his first steps

It’s those tears that flow freely when you’re overwhelmed with gratitude

It’s that feeling when the plane starts to ascend after an exhilarating taxi

It’s seeing life from the clouds

It’s diving and swimming with the fish

It’s waking up in a cozy cottage in a strange land and smelling breakfast

Oh! It’s hearing the rain on the rooftop, seeing it triumph through the streets and ย inhaling the sweet smell of the earth

It’s waking up from a terrible nightmare and realizing it was just a dream

It’s being on top, with his firm hands arounds your waist, neck thrown back and enjoying the rhythm of his groin

It’s your fingers through his hair, holding him in place, whispering his name as if you might just expire under his caress

It’s that gentle kiss right between your brows, as he whispers “good morning sunshine”

Haha

It’s dirt biking up the mountains, snowmobiling on the frozen lake, or kayaking just in time for sunset

It’s as simple as a hot cup of peppermint tea or hot chocolate on a chilly evening

It’s wine!! A glass a bottle whatever you like

It’s that quiet walk on the beach at twilight…

Umm….I could go on.

Essentially, love is peculiar, yet quite familiar. It’s sometimes easier to give than receive and vice versa.

Point is, it can be everywhere and nowhere, it’s all a matter of perspective. ๐Ÿ’ž

 

P.S. Chapman did a great job capturing 5 major ways we tend to show others that we love them. It’s very good to be aware of the things your partner or friend or family might be doing to show you love while you are feeling unloved. The book is also and easy ready.

 

 

 

 

 

Haha Aha Moment

So I haven’t blogged too much lately as I’m working on recalibrating my ย reactive thoughts. ย I’ve been trying to read this book that was given to me by a ‘successful’ Jamaican while I was on exchange in Canada – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

Here’s a quick review from Youtube:

I haven’t managed to read past the first 5 pages and I’ve been reading since October 2015…Yeah I know. ย ๐Ÿ˜’

So I have all this faith yet on numerous occasions I’ve allowed my anxiety to cripple me, sometimes for days and last year for months. I know it’s the craziest thing. Because I know that I am physically and intellectual capable of achieving but, you know what fuck the but. I am capable of doing and being.

You see, I have always held this belief that our thoughts are very powerful. I have thought my way into numerous panic attacks, and thought my self out of some, I have thought financial blessings into my life and beautiful mentors….the possibilities are literally endless. ย If you know me I am a praying woman and I believe in my prayers and I always get what I ask for, always. Just perhaps not in my time. Nonetheless, I have utmost faith in my destiny and the power of God to align the universe in my favour.

You may have heard of the same ideology in this very popular movement or whatever you want to call it – The Law of Attraction

 

 

So all in all, I have realized that I have literally gone from one end of the spectrum to another. Why I say this is that I have always been a planner, meticulous and specific. My daily planner was my baby up until 2nd year of university.

I was given the privilege of working with a very successfully financial advisor and she always said this to me – “Imani, you need to be more patient with yourself.” ummm….So I worked on that for 2 years and Sir/Madam, I am not completely liking it. It’s like withdrawal and occasionally I have whole days that I am upset with myself about how grossly cavalier I have become with myself. Haha!

And there we go, the root of my anxiety. Constantly swinging between doing everything and doing absolutely nothing. ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

Ok, so now I’m on the journey to finding a ‘better’ balance and focus (my number one goal this year remember)ย 

 

So what can we all learn from this? ย I say,ย 

Be conscious of your mindset, your approach

Be very aware of your thoughts and the words you speak over your life

And hey, of course you should be patient with yourself but try not to settle for mediocracy

#Knowthyselfย 

 

Laughing terribly at myself. Haha! Life can get so hilarious.

Hardworking and lazy all at the same time. Such a beautiful paradox.

‘Smart working perhaps’ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‰

 

A Girl Can Dream

My sad thoughts are my muse. I’m sorry if I damped your moods too.

Writing helps me to dig deep you know, introspect and find something to be grateful and happy about.

Umm….

I long to read a great book.

Perhaps I should start reading romance novels again.

Get lost in some strange, yet predictable love story.

Or watch some intense action movies

Imagine I’m a sniper

A detective

Or a samari!

Swords and guns are awesome btw! (hehe! *evil laugh* ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ I rubbed my hands together after writing that)

I like to close my eyes and imagine running (I like to run in real life too man)

Or horseback riding on a vast prairie or an ‘enchanted’ forest

lol. Yeah I still ‘believe’ in those things

Umm…

You see, my mood is already getting better ๐Ÿ˜‡

I’m one moody chica! Especially around my f’kd up family

I should probably write about how I would *bleep* them if I was not socialized to believe in hell

I should probably finish that book I was writing…

You probably think I’m ย crazy by now ๐Ÿ˜

That’s ok man, I own that shit! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

 

 

Perpetually Plucked

Umm…I gotta strike that balance man. 

Assertive. 

Well with my own people. 

I fear being offensive. 

Lest I cause someone to offend

I don’t trust myself to not defend ๐Ÿ˜’

Incarceration doesn’t look very attractive 

Especially for a wanderer. 

I would quite literally become a walking dead. 

I so easily digress.

Bittersweet 

Objectified…

Dah! I know I’m a gem

But just like a beautiful rose,

You shouldn’t pluck it really ๐Ÿ˜”

Water it

Encourage it’s growth will ya? 

Sighs

It’s gotta get dark for you to see the stars huh? 

Well, I absolutely love the stars and the moon 

But hey, I’m smitten by sunrises too…๐Ÿ™„

Oh dear universe 

Please 

Let me flourish freely. 

Compromise?

Um…

Be vigilant.

Their words say one thing

Listen to their actions instead.

The truth hurts…๐Ÿ˜”

Smh. I need to stop playing Jesus yo

You’re not a life guard Imani.

You gotta learn to let broken people heal.

Alone.

And you go gotta be patient with yourself too

You are not superwoman

no, you don’t regenerate

So you gotta take some time for you.

Bandage up your wounds.

Save yourself first

Leave the saving of lives to Christ.

Geesh.

Ok.

It’s December 31st, 2016

What’s the plan? Tomorrow is 2017.

Well, it’s to go solo until he sends the one.